To MsAnthropy on our 13th. Love you!

Time

Time flies. Having said that, time also stands still. In fact, it seems that, sometimes, time stands at its most still when it is flying. But its at times like that, when time is standing still, that it can slip by and fly far faster than time flying by itself. 

Now, if you haven’t got a headache yet, I shall endeavor to explain the previous paragraph in a way that won’t induce projectile vomit type migraines in all of us , no easy task, following so closely on the heels of all the Equinox Feasting that I’m sure we’we all overindulged in this weekend. Seriously, I have eaten so much that the leather of my studded belt is groaning like a teen upon learning that there will be “a pop-quiz in math (groannn), and it counts for marks (GROANNNN), but if you’ve been studying, you’ll do fine (GGRROOAAANNNNNN)”. And random studs are starting to ping and pop off in all directions. I am a walking, talking fragmentation grenade and the pin has definitely been pulled on this one!

But, I digress, one of the things I’ve always excelled at, and one of the many things most of my teachers hated about me. Digression, Grand Eloquence, and Circumlocution - the holy trinity of dragging shit out WAY longer than it needs to be dragged. My excuses were always longer than the the missing homework that I was making excuses for. I was so good at excuses in elementary school that all the other kids would come to me when their asses needed rescuing from what would otherwise have certainly been a whoopin’ of biblically exaggerated style proportions, and had I charged a consultation fee (which many friends have since told me they would have gladly paid), I would be rolling in cash right now with a shit-load of ‘too much time’ on my hands - a dangerous thought indeed, but one that brings us very neatly back, via a combination of two time honored comedic devices, the segue and the call-back, (also referred to as a ‘tag-back’) to my original topic, which was, of course, time.

Time, as you may or may not recall, flies and stands still, at the same time. My theory is that, although it is the most precise and regimented thing we know, (you could almost set your watch by it), it simply doesn’t know how to behave in certain situations. There! Did you hear that? The first tiny cracks and pops of a skull that is pregnant with migraine (ooh! ooh! I’m crowning!). Maybe I had better define ‘time’ - Time is a man-made concept and device whose sole function is to measure the passing of itself. You would think it would be pretty good at that by now, it follows an insanely strict set of rules and has had plenty of time to practice. Here’s a couple examples of what I meant in my opening statement.

O.k., you are 6. Quick, how long is it between xmasses? For most of us, the answer would have been, oh, say three or four years.
Now you are back to your own age, and have been told that its three weeks before xmas. How many, like myself, would say, “No, no, no. We just had one, what ... 2 or 3 months back. Didn’t we?”
Right, you with me so far? Well, get out the headache pills, because here comes my explanation for this odd behavior that time has displayed (and I’ll show my work):

I was previously married for 11 years, but I was in the doghouse for ten of them. Dog years are said to be 7 to each human year. 10 X 7= 70. We have to add on the original 11 human years, because these types of sentences always run consecutively and not concurrently as we would like them to.

(10 X 7) + 11 = 81. By the time I was 41 (which is 72 in drug years, 287 in dog years and I don’t even want to start calculating how old in dogs who are also on drugs years). Sorry. By age 41, I had already been married for 81 years.

In contrast, 3 days from today, MsAnthropy and I will be celebrating our Thirteenth anniversary, and it feels like only three or four years. Who amongst you thinks that this was the longest, most convoluted way of saying HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! in the whole of our species existence? I know I do, and I’ll tell you why...

Until next time (eh? eh? Another tag-back!) as always, Be Safe.
TRS