Grade 1, The Hatred Begins

Some of those who know me have indicated minor confusion over my apparent dislike for school and all things scholastic, a situation I now feel capable enough to address. First, however, we must get one thing crystal clear – I did not dislike school. I absolutely fucking hated it. Hated everything about it and would go to ANY lengths to avoid going to it. Let’s start at Grade 1, (I’ll fill you in on my short-lived stint at Sunday school – one day – and my experiences with Playschool and Kindergarten later on). So. Grade 1, six years old, and by the second Report Card I had already been labeled, in writing, as a ‘Radical Non – Conformist’. At six fucking years old. I think Ma still has the Report Card with the hand written comment “Robbie is a Radical Non – Conformist”. Now, I am not at all pissed that I was thusly categorized – as it turns out, the old bitch was absolutely correct in her assessment. What bothers me is the reason she pigeonholed me, along with my extreme young age when she did so. See, way back in that mysterious time known to historians (and die-hard hippies) as ‘The 60’s’, school teachers could label, single out, ridicule, humiliate and punish as they saw fit, all without the needless worry of legal repercussions. Try that now. Today, they would be fired, socially ostracized, ruined for life and even jailed for the same actions. The reason I’m so fired up is that the very woman who had bestowed the label on me did all of the following (and more):
 1)  Decided that my friend Phil was acting ‘childish’ (at 6 years old, how the fuck is one supposed to act?) and made him sit in a baby’s play-pen, wearing a frilly baby bonnet, a bib and sucking on a baby bottle. For the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!  
 2) When she caught Glen and I sword fighting with rulers, she put 2 chairs at the front of the room, facing the class, and made us sword fight  continuously. Again, for the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!
 3)  Any kid unfortunate enough to be caught chewing gum would be seated (as above) with a large wad of gum stuck to their nose. Yep, you guessed it - the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!
 4) Finally, (and this is the one I truly HATE her for) when she found out that I spoke another language,  she took me to every classroom in the school, grades 1 through 7, stood me front and center stage, alone, and said to each and every class “Everyone listen to Robbie speak Dutch. Let’s all laugh at how funny it sounds!” (Swear to Lucifer – it’s true). So they did. However, as easily bullied school kids, I will allow them the Nuremburg Defense – they were only following orders. Fucked me up for quite some time, that one did.  

 
And now, the reason for this allegedly professional, rational, educated adult woman to embark on such a fierce campaign against a six year old boy : At some school function, she had found cause to say to me, in front of kids, parents and other teachers, “I’m glad I’m not your mother.” And, with all the honesty and innocence of a six year old I replied “Yeah, so am I”, which got every adult in the room (with one obvious exception) laughing out loud. At her. That’s it. That’s what got me on her permanent hate list. The fact that a six year old could get a laugh (at her expense, yet) when she herself could not. Now here is the part I do not quite understand – I do not see how an unmarried, female, Chinese teacher in the 1960’s (when being unmarried, female, Chinese and a teacher were less than envious positions) would not be able to relate, on some level, with those who appeared ‘Different from the Rest’. Rather than behave like someone who, perhaps, knew the feeling of persecution herself, she did exactly the opposite and brought unwelcome attention to the differences of others. I guess drawing attention to the perceived shortcomings of others was the best way for her to keep her own glaring personality flaws out of the public eye. Still, I derive great comfort and personal satisfaction from the thought that, hey! She’s dead. I’m not. I win.

 

Next – Grade 2, the hatred continues.

If you're old - enjoy! If you're young - learn!!!

The Spazzys: My Boyfriend's Back

Overlapping Retail

Here's a favorite - retailers that start pushing one season before the current one has even begun.  We just had Halloween this very second, yet in some stores, I've been seeing fucking xmas stuff for a month.  I saw 'Back to School' shit out on the 14th of July. JULY!!!!  When I was a wee schoolboy (yes, I was once a wee schoolboy) any store that offered Back to School shit before it was actually time to go back to school would have been burned to the  ground for throwing a huge, greasy fuck into the best part of my summer vacation. At least it would have in my part of town. Back to school at the start of summer, xmas before the first Halloween candy is munched, easter right after that - what the fuck ever happened to timing? Sure, I know it's all for profit, particularly xmas, which is only for the 3 'C's - children, christians, and corporations.  Sorry if I missed anyone. Not sorry if I offended anyone, because if you're offended by this, then you are definitely on the wrong fucking page!!

Happy Devils Night, Happy All Hallows, and Happy Day of the Dead (No, not the masscool Mexican one, that's 5th of May) and may all your nightmares come true!!!

Latest Of My Sporadic Entries.

Let’s start with something useful for a change: a Practical Survival Tip. When starting a new job (or any endeavor, really) tell every new person you meet something different. Now sit back, relax, and wait to see which stories, ‘facts’, or tidbits of information make their way back to you. The number of things that return home to nest is directly proportional to the number of new coworkers you should actively avoid telling anything to. The truly amazing part is that the bits you tell people do not have to be believable or even remotely credible. Seriously, get creative. I once got a very quick return on a total bullshit piece of family history within a day or two. Not remarkable in and of itself, I know, but seeing as the info was that I had killed both my birth parents with a rather large axe at the tender age of eleven, it suddenly takes on a little more importance, yes? As did telling one person “Don’t mention this to anyone, but I’m only out on a Day-Pass”. The stunning part about that one is that the return took several days, several consecutive days, several consecutive days during which I was actually there, a fact that seems to have failed miserably at matching up with the concept of a ‘Day-Pass’ in the mind of my no longer trusted fellow employee.

There. I’ve performed my civic duty with that Practical Survival Tip, and am now free to move on to my usual, less than practical, semi – delirious blathering. This tirade, oddly enough, is aimed directly at that part of the universe that we are sharing at this precise moment. Not the real, physical universe. This one. The electronic one. Yep, I am getting pissed at the ‘Net, Cyberspace, the World Wide Web, call it whatever you want. It seems to have gone full circle since I uttered my first “We’re in!” Yes, I said it once. ONCE, damnit. Everybody’s allowed one. Now, if we can trust my memory, and seeing as I was married at the time we will just assume we can not (that segment of my life was spent considerably more blitzed than usual), it was way back in the early 1990’s. My first Internet experience was significantly enhanced by something called a “Dialup Connection With a 1200 Baud Modem”, all of which translates roughly to about 12 minutes to load even the most basic, no frills page (they were all like that because the frills hadn’t been invented yet). Things are certainly different now, though. Whole new ballgame. Bullshit. I’m on a super fast laptop, wireless Internet connection that simply flies, using cutting edge, state of the art technology that hadn’t even been dreamed of in the 90’s, all of which translates roughly to about 12 minutes to load even the most basic, no frills page. It’s not that the pages don’t load fast, it’s that no matter where you want to go you’re forced to navigate 50,000 fucking links to get there because every fucking page is ‘tagged’ to every other fucking page which is linked to every fucking website, fucking blog or fucking depository of useless bullshit (much like this one). So, although nearly 20 years have passed, it still takes me almost as long to find the ‘Adult’ material I seek as it did with my 1200 baud dialup modem. Plus, when I finally do get there, it’s the same ‘Adult’ material that was there when I was seeking it 20 years ago. Therefore, as I have just now realized, it has taken me 20 years to track down this material. Kill me now.