I'm either getting old, stupid, more confused than usual, past is catching up with me, or all of the above. Some of the slang that's been vomited into the English language in recent years has me stunned fucking rigid. Let's consider the following 4 words, Sick, Pimp, Ill, Dope. Now, way back in my time, two of those words meant unwell, one meant drugs and one was an asshole who lived off the avails of prostitution. Today they all mean 'good' or 'fine', and can be the cause of no small amount of confusion.

I can no longer call in sick for work - "The RobScenity didn't show up today." "Really? That's odd, he called in a while ago saying he was just fine. Said he was sick, really really ill."

Pimp & Dope. My question is this: If a guy has a bunch of women working in the Sex Trade and he treats them very well, plus he sells excellent quality drugs, is he a Dope Pimp with Pimp Dope?

Maybe now you can see where most of my headaches stem from.

Ok, although I was able to opt us out of the dreaded Staff xmas party, it was not without the ordeal of repeatedly explaining my reasoning, which I will now do one last time. Our company charges $5.00 for Staff members to attend, and $35.00 for our loved to come along. Now, why would I shell out a total of forty bucks just to put Kara through the ordeal of hanging out with a half-dozen people I like, plus a shitload of assholes I'm forced to spend my days with? Plus, everyone knows that Staff parties are prime breeding grounds for drunken, loudmouthed stupidity carried out under the guise of "letting one's hair down". And to put the love of my life through this with only 2 Bar Tickets? Not in a billion lifetimes (which, by an odd coincidence, is exactly how long the evening would seem to drag on).

So, to the six or seven coworkers I would love to have partied with - sorry, maybe we can do something else, because I think Kara would really have fun with you - you know who you are!
To the rest - oh well.
And to the ones I really can't stand (you DEFINITELY know who you are) GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!

Happy New Year

Well, here it is: January 1th, 2010 – Arthur C. Clarke was wrong (on two counts), the dreaded winter Olympics loom ever closer, and we are a mere two years away from finally finding out if my unswerving faith in the wisdom of the Ancient Mayans has been warranted. I think it was that whole ‘Chariots of the Gods’ thing that firmly cemented those squat, heart – ripping, “Centers of the Known Cosmos” forever in my own (so far un-removed) heart. One piece in particular must have had the murderous, coca-leaf chewing forehead flatteners laughing their advanced little asses off, just as I did mine. I refer, of course, to the world-famous stone carving, discovered in the tomb beneath the Temple of the Inscriptions at Palenque, Mexico, and hailed by many, (primarily, it's discoverer, famed UFOlogist and pseudoarchaeologist, Erich von Däniken) as incontrovertible proof that Visitors, extraterrestrial ones, had visited Earth centuries ago. For those who have never read a National Enquirer™ or Weekly World News™; watched PBS, or known a real U.F.O. fan, the piece I refer to is a stone carving found on a sarcophagus lid. The carving seems, at first, to depict a Mayan astronaut, complete with Space Helmet and oxygen tanks, seated at the control console of some type of aircraft. Astro-Maya sits, surrounded by levers, buttons and dials, looking for all who want to see it that way like a Saucer Commander preparing for take-off to quadrants unknown. Around the outer rim of the carved disk one sees strange, indecipherable lettering, presumably of otherworldly origin, also presumably supplying precise and detailed operating instructions to our lucky little primitive. Oh, and look - he’s seated in a sort of bent, squatting position in a circular seat of some kind, just as one would expect when piloting a high velocity interstellar vehicle. 
Now for the fun bit.
It seems that, in their rush for proof, von Däniken and his bunch somehow managed to overlook the enormous body of evidence from Maya art, symbolism, and inscriptions, all of which identify the sculpted figure, not as some ancient astronaut, but as the Ruler buried in the sarcophagus, shown falling into the Underworld at his death. The merely superficial resemblance between an astronaut's launch position and our Maya ruler's pose was treated by Erich & Co. as yet another massive piece of positive evidence in defense of their Alien Visitor theory. 
So, a huge Mayan laugh, right in the face of the ‘Incontrovertible Evidence camp. Sorry. Hey, I’m not slamming people who believe in life elsewhere, I’m one of them. But I am slamming those who fuel their beliefs by finding ‘absolute proof' wherever they look, while simultaneously ignoring any information that goes against their convictions. Serves you right if you end up looking like a bunch of squids because you chose to turn a blind eye when presented with evidence to the contrary.  
Now, let’s sit back, relax, and try to forget about those wretched winter games and Erich von Däniken, at least for the next two years. Unless the Mayans were wrong. In that case, we will have a shitload of time in which to sit back, relax, and try to forget. Oh yeah, Happy New Year (for now)

Don't say I never give you anything.

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