Two Things That Completely Amaze Me.

     I'm not amazed by much anymore, but every now and then, something squeaks in just under the radar and, BAM! I'm amazed. And I think you will be too. If you actually think about these two.

In order for this to work, I have two seemingly odd requests for you. Two things you need to do:

A) Flick a piece of snot at anything, and,

B) Fart in the shower.

    I realize that many people claim they never actually perform either activity themselves, and rather than wasting time convincing them that, yeah, you do, I'll simply ask them to do it just this once. In the interest of scientific inquiry. To further the sphere of human knowledge and make the world that one little bit better. You know who you are, and before you dismiss this entire exercise, just read it over. I'm sure you will find that these two questions that burn through my very core are actually based on some seriously sound and valid reasoning, and not just vulgar bathroom humor. That having been said, we'll start with the farts.

Shower farts, it seems, follow a completely different set of rules than do all other flatulent events in that, as far as my associates and I can tell, they all smell the same. I'm saying that your own shower farts all smell the same, not that any fart, dropped in any shower, anywhere adheres to this rule. A longitudinal study spanning several decades has yielded the following data: no matter what you eat, where you eat it, who prepared it for you, even if you've never eaten it before, any resulting flatulence that occurs in the shower (ANY shower) will smell the same. Try it. No matter where you are in the world, no matter what your diet consists of, POW! Same smell every time! HOW?!? How does this happen? What is it about cascading water that alters our flatulent physiology? I'm dead serious, here! Try it, test it, make an attempt at proving my theory wrong, for as most of us know, the only legitimate, recognized way to prove a theory is to try and disprove it – if you can't, then you're sitting on a good, solid theory.

   So. Eat a burger and fries in Washington State, check in at the nearest 'Comfort Inn' or perhaps a 'Big 6', throw your suitcase on the cinder-block double bed, hop right into the shower, and squeeze one off. And don't (if you're one of those types) try to squeak it all sneaky-like, either. As a sort of bonus, it was also discovered that no matter how hard you try, you just can't squeak a fart when your bum is wet. Can't play trumpet when the orchestra pit is damp. Now, take careful note of the aroma. Next, you could maybe have a nice piece of cheesecake at Lindie's in Manhattan, sashay over to the Marriott Essex House on Time Square, drop the eight or nine-hundred dollars for one night's stay (and before you go off about the price, the brunch makes it all worth while, trust me), amble up to your luxurious, spacious and ever so comfortable suite (no mere 'rooms' here), drift into the massive, glassed-in shower and, once again, fart. Repeat the aroma noticing thing that you did in Washington, and be astounded. The two odors, although created on opposite sides of the continent, will have no discernible difference. Also, you'll get the pleasure of baffling and confusing the staff when you walk out saying “Fuck me with a cheese grater, The RobScenity was right!” because they haven't seen me in years, but they remember the 'cheese grater' line.

    And now, the snot. I wonder why this has never been noticed before? Why did it fall to me to make what is possibly the single greatest discovery in the field of mathematics? I want you to think very hard about this one, ok? Generally, when one flicks a snot, the eyes and the nasal projectile both reach the point of impact at exactly the same time! Do you have any idea to what extent higher calculus, vector plotting, knowledge of trajectories, flow dynamics, to name but a few, come into play during this scenario? The multiple, instantaneous and then constantly revised calculations involved in plotting the route of the snot to its eventual landing site in the split seconds it takes to arrive there is nowhere short of miraculous. For one thing, there are no true constants when dealing with snot, are there? Viscosity, surface tension, density, weight, aerodynamic features, these are all just the start of a massive pile of unknown and unquantifiable variables. We can't even count on a consistent snot-to-fingernail adhesion factor, so even something as simple as determining the exact second of release is out of our realm. Yet, somehow, we are able to do all the calculations, make all the adjustments, and account for all the unknowable variables and still arrive at the exact point on the wall/window/sibling that the snot has also arrived at, at precisely the same time! HOW?????  

Now that I’ve given you your research materials, I shall bail. My head is pounding just thinking about this again, and I think I will go do something illegal. As always, be safe.

TRS