The RobScenity's Favorite Conspiracy Theories

1: Bio-weapons & WGFM.  

    We, the human race, have been the testing grounds for one of the most energetic longitudinal studies in the field of biological weaponry in all of history. The test subjects hail from all walks of life and from every corner of the globe (swell oxymoron there, huh?). Not only have we been used as test subjects for the actual weapons themselves, but also in feasibility studies regarding the large-scale construction and placement of munitions factories which are all but invisible to the general population. One of the main problems facing the military has always been the availability of materials to be used against the enemy without too drastically depleting one's own resources. In the 1940's, one of the geniuses employed by the American military machine (Biological Warfare Section) came up with a brilliant concept – addressing the top brass, he asked,  

“What, gentlemen, do we have in this very country that is completely useless to us and yet so infinitely sustainable that we have entire sections of the work force employed in ridding us of this item?”

     Rather than subject you to the long, dull and totally fictional conversation that followed, I will just leap in and tell you. The brain-box was referring to W.G.F.M., which even the dimmest schoolboy knows stands for Weapons Grade Fecal Matter, or, as we know it: shit. He envisioned production of weapons grade fecal matter on a massive scale, but there were some gaps in the theory. The availability of raw material was no problem – America was the largest producer of shit in the free world, but simply launching huge volumes of normal human waste at an enemy would do little, other than piss them off. No, they must devise a way to create shit that was well and truly toxic, that would stop an enemy dead in his tracks and keep him there. Then they needed a way to produce large and consistent supplies while keeping the civilian population in the dark, as it was they who were to provide the raw materials, and if they learned of their participation and importance to success, they would, being patriotic Americans, expect to be paid.

    In the late 40's, the military think-tank came up with a plan that was nothing short of brilliant – they would develop a type of food that was completely addictive, introduce it to the civilian population, and control where the food was available. They would open a chain of restaurants that sold this food exclusively, ensuring that only they had access to the end result.  

    And so McDonald’s was born. During the decades that followed, the output was closely studied, tested and perfected. Items that failed to bring up toxicity levels were taken off the menu, reworked in secret government labs and then reinstated. The McRib Sandwich is a perfect example. So now, after years of research, experimentation, testing and re-testing, the American military now has in its possession the most effective and horrifying biological weapon ever created. Lets just hope they never have to use it.

Next time – the only reason pennies are kept in circulation.

Until then, as always, be safe.

TRS