Just Some Stuff That Makes Me Wonder...

I will admit that I had to look at this woman for quite some time before I actually realized what, exactly, I was looking at. The weird thing is, I found myself wondering how the hell she did that before I had even the slightest clue what 'that' was, the nature of which I shall share with you now.

The woman, (whom I have seen several times since), was wearing a hat. Not any old hat, oh, no. This happened to be a hat that looked like hair. I know what you're thinking, and you are wrong – I do know the difference between a hat and a wig, and this was most assuredly a hat. I know this because I saw her take the damnable thing off. When she did remove her hat that looked like hair, I found myself in yet another binge of wondering. Underneath the hat that looked like hair, she was sporting hair that looked like a hat! Two questions sprang instantly to mind:

1. How the Hell did she manage to do that, and, more importantly,
2. Why the Hell would she even want to?

If you already have hair that looks like a hat, why bother putting on an actual hat? To cover up your horrific hair? Wouldn't you just try to style your hair, attempt to make it resemble something other than a hat? And if you were, in fact, putting on the hat in order to draw attention away from some hairstyle-related deficiency, then WHY THE FUCK would you choose a hat that looked like hair? Why not just toss on a wig?

After much pondering, and as I mentioned, more sightings which allowed me the luxury of intense observation, I have come to the conclusion that the woman is hiding something. Something much, much larger and more worthy of hiding that mere shitty hair. Let me give you a few facts, and let's see if you come to the same conclusion I did:

1. Her hat looked like hair,
2. Her hair looked like a hat,
3. She was unusually tall and thin,
4. She gave new definition to the term 'homely',
5. Her overall bearing and appearance were reminiscent of an emu or ostrich, and finally,
6. I never saw or heard her speak,

As you can see, all the evidence points to only one possible explanation: Inter-dimensional Immigrant from an alternate universe who did little or no homework when it came to relocating to our reality. I welcome your comments and / or theories.

As always, be safe

TRS

To MsAnthropy on our 13th. Love you!

Time

Time flies. Having said that, time also stands still. In fact, it seems that, sometimes, time stands at its most still when it is flying. But its at times like that, when time is standing still, that it can slip by and fly far faster than time flying by itself. 

Now, if you haven’t got a headache yet, I shall endeavor to explain the previous paragraph in a way that won’t induce projectile vomit type migraines in all of us , no easy task, following so closely on the heels of all the Equinox Feasting that I’m sure we’we all overindulged in this weekend. Seriously, I have eaten so much that the leather of my studded belt is groaning like a teen upon learning that there will be “a pop-quiz in math (groannn), and it counts for marks (GROANNNN), but if you’ve been studying, you’ll do fine (GGRROOAAANNNNNN)”. And random studs are starting to ping and pop off in all directions. I am a walking, talking fragmentation grenade and the pin has definitely been pulled on this one!

But, I digress, one of the things I’ve always excelled at, and one of the many things most of my teachers hated about me. Digression, Grand Eloquence, and Circumlocution - the holy trinity of dragging shit out WAY longer than it needs to be dragged. My excuses were always longer than the the missing homework that I was making excuses for. I was so good at excuses in elementary school that all the other kids would come to me when their asses needed rescuing from what would otherwise have certainly been a whoopin’ of biblically exaggerated style proportions, and had I charged a consultation fee (which many friends have since told me they would have gladly paid), I would be rolling in cash right now with a shit-load of ‘too much time’ on my hands - a dangerous thought indeed, but one that brings us very neatly back, via a combination of two time honored comedic devices, the segue and the call-back, (also referred to as a ‘tag-back’) to my original topic, which was, of course, time.

Time, as you may or may not recall, flies and stands still, at the same time. My theory is that, although it is the most precise and regimented thing we know, (you could almost set your watch by it), it simply doesn’t know how to behave in certain situations. There! Did you hear that? The first tiny cracks and pops of a skull that is pregnant with migraine (ooh! ooh! I’m crowning!). Maybe I had better define ‘time’ - Time is a man-made concept and device whose sole function is to measure the passing of itself. You would think it would be pretty good at that by now, it follows an insanely strict set of rules and has had plenty of time to practice. Here’s a couple examples of what I meant in my opening statement.

O.k., you are 6. Quick, how long is it between xmasses? For most of us, the answer would have been, oh, say three or four years.
Now you are back to your own age, and have been told that its three weeks before xmas. How many, like myself, would say, “No, no, no. We just had one, what ... 2 or 3 months back. Didn’t we?”
Right, you with me so far? Well, get out the headache pills, because here comes my explanation for this odd behavior that time has displayed (and I’ll show my work):

I was previously married for 11 years, but I was in the doghouse for ten of them. Dog years are said to be 7 to each human year. 10 X 7= 70. We have to add on the original 11 human years, because these types of sentences always run consecutively and not concurrently as we would like them to.

(10 X 7) + 11 = 81. By the time I was 41 (which is 72 in drug years, 287 in dog years and I don’t even want to start calculating how old in dogs who are also on drugs years). Sorry. By age 41, I had already been married for 81 years.

In contrast, 3 days from today, MsAnthropy and I will be celebrating our Thirteenth anniversary, and it feels like only three or four years. Who amongst you thinks that this was the longest, most convoluted way of saying HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!! in the whole of our species existence? I know I do, and I’ll tell you why...

Until next time (eh? eh? Another tag-back!) as always, Be Safe.
TRS

ZombieLand (HBC/ZELLER'S)

ZombieLand Exposed!
A true tale of frustration and corporate indifference

In direct violation of yet another new policy from HBC / ZELLER’S, here’s what that fine company has pulled on yours truly recently. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the purchase of the company, and it’s parent corporation, the HUDSON’S BAY COMPANY (whom most people will readily identify as co-conspirators, along with the catholic church, in the attempted genocide of Canada’s First Nations Peoples) by U.S. Creepy Low End Discount giants, TARGET, but there has been a surge in new policies and practices of late.

The one I’m contravening right now is the 'Social Networking’ policy, which states in part (and I’m paraphrasing here) that ZELLER’S employees MAY NOT say anything negative about the company, its parent, its vendors or suppliers, or its clients. Failure to comply with this policy may result in termination and possible criminal charges (not sure how, exactly. I guess they figure on some slander, or libel or that jolly mixture of the two - defamation of character. Good luck with that). The base line, as suggested by one of my (former) supervisors, is that an employee could have a crappy day, go home, and write on their Facebook wall: “Had a shitty day at work, customers were assholes and manager pissed me off”, and conceivably be fired for it. However, the 'Social Networking’ policy no longer applies to me, as I have been terminated. Suck on THAT one, ZombieLand.

Yep, after almost 5 years of service, HBC / ZELLER’S #361 Manager, Edwina Teo, first suspended, then terminated me for refusing to sign a new LPO policy, but get this - the letter she gave me indicates that I resigned. How? Good fucking question, let’s answer it. The letter states that the company is taking my refusal to sign a document that I had signed in previous years as my resignation, even though I was taken off the schedule against my wishes, and the policy I signed was NOT the same one they were trying to get me (under duress) to sign now. Right, a tiny amount of background is needed here. The policy in question, or rather, the one item that I am questioning, concerns parcel / baggage checks and states that, and I quote,

“All parcels are subject to an inspection by the Sales manager / Leader or Loss Prevention at any time at any location (this includes tote bags, shoe bags, briefcases, backpacks, purses etc)”. *emphasis mine*.

The practical upshot is this: I could be outside enjoying a legal, regulation cigarette and at the same time, a manager or LPO could be upstairs going through my shit. I contend that, if even the RCMP can’t do something like that, then ZELLER’S sure as hell can’t. Oh, yeah. I also informed Edwina Teo that I would, in fact, sign the policy if I could determine its legitimacy / validity, a task she gave me 24 hours to complete and which, after three solid weeks, I still can not get a straight answer on from any government agency, even though the BCCLA’s own Privacy Handbook states that HBC / ZELLER’S actions are “not acceptable”

So, there we sit for now - terminated without just cause, with a letter stating I quit (which also fucks me out of getting EI), from a job I’ve held with no real problems for close to 5 years. I’ve put in the Labour Relations Board’s requisite request for severance pay and lost wages, if HBC / ZELLER’S refuses to comply, then I sue for wrongful dismissal, drag it through the courts, make them look like idiots. Small, petty, heartless idiots, and start up a bit of the good old Media Circus as I go - gotta make your own fun, right?

Until next time, as always, be safe!
TRS

Punch me! C'mon, I double dare ya!

A Chinese Satanic Jew, a Female Agnostic Muslim leader, and a heterosexual catholic priest walk into a bar...

   That's all I've got right now, but I think that with a good punchline, this has the potential to go down in history as the funniest joke ever written. So come on, people! Punch me and we'll make Comedic history!        

   And while you're at it, think up some uses for my favorite new phrase and we'll see if we can get it into everyday speech. I'm very pleased with this tiny bit of Dark Prose: "it made a sound like a sack full of babies being beaten with a claw hammer.." Evocative, no?

Until later, as always, be safe and Adiós for now.

TRS