Two Things That Completely Amaze Me.
I'm
not amazed by much anymore, but every now and then, something squeaks
in just under the radar and, BAM! I'm amazed. And I think you will
be too. If you actually think about these two.
In
order for this to work, I have two seemingly odd requests for you.
Two things you need to do:
A)
Flick a piece of snot at anything, and,
B)
Fart in the shower.
I
realize that many people claim they never actually perform either
activity themselves, and rather than wasting time convincing them
that, yeah, you do, I'll simply ask them to do it just this once. In
the interest of scientific inquiry. To further the sphere of human
knowledge and make the world that one little bit better. You know
who you are, and before you dismiss this entire exercise, just read
it over. I'm sure you will find that these two questions that burn
through my very core are actually based on some seriously sound and
valid reasoning, and not just vulgar bathroom humor. That having
been said, we'll start with the farts.
Shower
farts, it seems, follow a completely different set of rules than do
all other flatulent events in that, as far as my associates and I can
tell, they all smell the same. I'm saying that your own shower farts
all smell the same, not that any fart, dropped in any shower,
anywhere adheres to this rule. A longitudinal study spanning several
decades has yielded the following data: no matter what you eat, where
you eat it, who prepared it for you, even if you've never eaten it
before, any resulting flatulence that occurs in the shower (ANY
shower) will smell the same. Try it. No matter where you are in the
world, no matter what your diet consists of, POW! Same smell every
time! HOW?!? How does this happen? What is it about cascading water
that alters our flatulent physiology? I'm dead serious, here! Try
it, test it, make an attempt at proving my theory wrong, for as most
of us know, the only legitimate, recognized way to prove a theory is
to try and disprove it – if you can't, then you're sitting on a
good, solid theory.
So. Eat a burger and fries in Washington State,
check in at the nearest 'Comfort Inn' or perhaps a 'Big 6', throw
your suitcase on the cinder-block double bed, hop right into the
shower, and squeeze one off. And don't (if you're one of those types)
try to squeak it all sneaky-like, either. As a sort of bonus, it was
also discovered that no matter how hard you try, you just can't
squeak a fart when your bum is wet. Can't play trumpet when the
orchestra pit is damp. Now, take careful note of the aroma. Next,
you could maybe have a nice piece of cheesecake at Lindie's in
Manhattan, sashay over to the Marriott Essex House on Time Square,
drop the eight or nine-hundred dollars for one night's stay (and
before you go off about the price, the brunch makes it all worth
while, trust me), amble up to your luxurious, spacious and ever so
comfortable suite (no mere 'rooms' here), drift into the massive,
glassed-in shower and, once again, fart. Repeat the aroma noticing
thing that you did in Washington, and be astounded. The two odors,
although created on opposite sides of the continent, will have no
discernible difference. Also, you'll get the pleasure of baffling
and confusing the staff when you walk out saying “Fuck me with a
cheese grater, The RobScenity was right!” because they haven't seen
me in years, but they remember the 'cheese grater' line.
And
now, the snot. I wonder why this has never been noticed before? Why
did it fall to me to make what is possibly the single greatest
discovery in the field of mathematics? I want you to think very hard
about this one, ok? Generally, when one flicks a snot, the eyes and
the nasal projectile both reach the point of impact at exactly the
same time! Do you have any idea to what extent higher calculus,
vector plotting, knowledge of trajectories, flow dynamics, to name
but a few, come into play during this scenario? The multiple,
instantaneous and then constantly revised calculations involved in
plotting the route of the snot to its eventual landing site in the
split seconds it takes to arrive there is nowhere short of
miraculous. For one thing, there are no true constants when dealing
with snot, are there? Viscosity, surface tension, density, weight,
aerodynamic features, these are all just the start of a massive pile
of unknown and unquantifiable variables. We can't even count on a
consistent snot-to-fingernail adhesion factor, so even something as
simple as determining the exact second of release is out of our
realm. Yet, somehow, we are able to do all the calculations, make
all the adjustments, and account for all the unknowable variables and
still arrive at the exact point on the wall/window/sibling that the
snot has also arrived at, at precisely the same time! HOW?????
Now
that I’ve given you your research materials, I shall bail. My head
is pounding just thinking about this again, and I think I will go do
something illegal. As always, be safe.
TRS
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