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Friday, November 6, 2009

Grade 1, The Hatred Begins


Some of those who know me have indicated minor confusion over my apparent dislike for school and all things scholastic, a situation I now feel capable enough to address. First, however, we must get one thing crystal clear – I did not dislike school. I absolutely fucking hated it. Hated everything about it and would go to ANY lengths to avoid going to it. Let’s start at Grade 1, (I’ll fill you in on my short-lived stint at Sunday school – one day – and my experiences with Playschool and Kindergarten later on). So. Grade 1, six years old, and by the second Report Card I had already been labeled, in writing, as a ‘Radical Non – Conformist’. At six fucking years old. I think Ma still has the Report Card with the hand written comment “Robbie is a Radical Non – Conformist”. Now, I am not at all pissed that I was thusly categorized – as it turns out, the old bitch was absolutely correct in her assessment. What bothers me is the reason she pigeonholed me, along with my extreme young age when she did so. See, way back in that mysterious time known to historians (and die-hard hippies) as ‘The 60’s’, school teachers could label, single out, ridicule, humiliate and punish as they saw fit, all without the needless worry of legal repercussions. Try that now. Today, they would be fired, socially ostracized, ruined for life and even jailed for the same actions. The reason I’m so fired up is that the very woman who had bestowed the label on me did all of the following (and more):
 1)  Decided that my friend Phil was acting ‘childish’ (at 6 years old, how the fuck is one supposed to act?) and made him sit in a baby’s play-pen, wearing a frilly baby bonnet, a bib and sucking on a baby bottle. For the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!  
 2) When she caught Glen and I sword fighting with rulers, she put 2 chairs at the front of the room, facing the class, and made us sword fight  continuously. Again, for the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!
 3)  Any kid unfortunate enough to be caught chewing gum would be seated (as above) with a large wad of gum stuck to their nose. Yep, you guessed it - the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY!
 4) Finally, (and this is the one I truly HATE her for) when she found out that I spoke another language,  she took me to every classroom in the school, grades 1 through 7, stood me front and center stage, alone, and said to each and every class “Everyone listen to Robbie speak Dutch. Let’s all laugh at how funny it sounds!” (Swear to Lucifer – it’s true). So they did. However, as easily bullied school kids, I will allow them the Nuremburg Defense – they were only following orders. Fucked me up for quite some time, that one did.  
 
And now, the reason for this allegedly professional, rational, educated adult woman to embark on such a fierce campaign against a six year old boy : At some school function, she had found cause to say to me, in front of kids, parents and other teachers, “I’m glad I’m not your mother.” And, with all the honesty and innocence of a six year old I replied “Yeah, so am I”, which got every adult in the room (with one obvious exception) laughing out loud. At her. That’s it. That’s what got me on her permanent hate list. The fact that a six year old could get a laugh (at her expense, yet) when she herself could not. Now here is the part I do not quite understand – I do not see how an unmarried, female, Chinese teacher in the 1960’s (when being unmarried, female, Chinese and a teacher were less than envious positions) would not be able to relate, on some level, with those who appeared ‘Different from the Rest’. Rather than behave like someone who, perhaps, knew the feeling of persecution herself, she did exactly the opposite and brought unwelcome attention to the differences of others. I guess drawing attention to the perceived shortcomings of others was the best way for her to keep her own glaring personality flaws out of the public eye. Still, I derive great comfort and personal satisfaction from the thought that, hey! She’s dead. I’m not. I win.






 

Next – Grade 2, the hatred continues.






Sunday, November 1, 2009

Overlapping Retail


Here's a favorite - retailers that start pushing one season before the current one has even begun.  We just had Halloween this very second, yet in some stores, I've been seeing fucking xmas stuff for a month.  I saw 'Back to School' shit out on the 14th of July. JULY!!!!  When I was a wee schoolboy (yes, I was once a wee schoolboy) any store that offered Back to School shit before it was actually time to go back to school would have been burned to the  ground for throwing a huge, greasy fuck into the best part of my summer vacation. At least it would have in my part of town. Back to school at the start of summer, xmas before the first Halloween candy is munched, easter right after that - what the fuck ever happened to timing? Sure, I know it's all for profit, particularly xmas, which is only for the 3 'C's - children, christians, and corporations.  Sorry if I missed anyone. Not sorry if I offended anyone, because if you're offended by this, then you are definitely on the wrong fucking page!!
Happy Devils Night, Happy All Hallows, and Happy Day of the Dead (No, not the masscool Mexican one, that's 5th of May) and may all your nightmares come true!!!