Believe it or not, this was actually the spoken intro to a song I wrote in 1985 (No idea what happened to the song!!)
Raised By Rats (intro)
Copyright NiK Normal, 1985 All rights reserved.
This is the story of an accident. No, rather, it is the story of the result of a pair of unrelated accidents; two small spillages of liquids that would forever alter the course of human history.
The first spillage took place during a moment of indiscretion and haste, brought on by passion and aided by an ill - fitting condom, resulting in a seriously unwanted pregnancy. Four months into the ordeal, the reluctant (and under-aged) mother to be, in one final attempt at retaining her girlish figure, made a small purchase, on the advice of a friend. In a small, out of the way Botanica, she bought a tiny vial of potion. The Botanica was owned by an extremely old woman of un-discernible heritage, said to be well versed in Santeria, VooDoo, and Satanism, with a wee bit of Scientology thrown in, just for laughs. The old woman asked very little in exchange for the vial, but the girl, having shopped on Rodeo Drive and 5TH Avenue, refused to pay until she was sure the 'cure' had taken. Instead of getting angry, the old crone merely shrugged her shoulders and said "You pay now ... your entire species pays later ... either way makes no difference to me."
Back at home, the girl choked down the foul liquid and settled down on the toilet, as per the crones instructions, and waited. She awoke, still perched on the porcelain, to a sensation not unlike the taking of a long overdue shit.
She flushed before standing, then walked out of the bathroom and out of history without ever looking back.
The fetus, kept alive by the old woman's potion, traveled through the plumbing, finally coming to rest in the City's extensive sewer system. For days it drifted, a sad embryonic parody of Coleridge's Ancient Mariner, but it' 'Albatross' was far more than just a sea-bird with promises of safe directions shoreward. No, his Albatross was the old woman's comment, "Pay now ... pays later ... makes no difference." which had sunk through to him while he was still safe and warm. The words would hang around his neck for years before taking wing and proving the old Witch right.
In the meantime, the squirming, mewling little mass was discovered by a scouting party of Rats, out foraging from a nearby Colony. Curious about this strange creature, and not yet possessed of the prejudices displayed by Man, the Rats decided to keep it and raise it as their own.
At or about the same time, the second small spillage of liquid was about to occur at a large Metropolitan Hospital, where some highly illegal (but also highly profitable) experiments were being carried out in the wing devoted to nuclear medicine. These experiments went horribly wrong when a young intern accidentally exposed a test serum to an unusually high dosage of radiation. Embarrassed Hospital officials quickly and quietly disposed of the lethal result, unceremoniously flushing it down one of the lesser used staff toilets, where it, too, found it's way into the subterranean system of tunnels. Now, other than functional morons or those who simply were not listening, the rest have probably come to the conclusion that this same toxic concoction eventually wound up in the same section of sewers which played home to a certain Rat Colony and their already pre-mutated hairless charge. The Colony's food and water supply was, unbeknownst to them, quickly and thoroughly contaminated, mutant, radioactive cells from the serum bonding with healthy cells in the food and water causing both types of cells to ... change. Over the next few years, the constantly increasing effects of the serum took their toll, causing some of the Colony to wither and die from diseases hitherto unknown to the Rats, while others mutated to the point that the Colony Council thought it best they should leave. Most of the Banished Ones understood and agreed with the decree, but one small group remained angry and resentful, vowing vengeance against the Colony. Of those who stayed in the Colony, the strong (including ShortSnout) lived, although the word 'lived', when applied to the existence led by the survivors, turned out to be a woefully inadequate descriptor. Many strange changes occurred, both in the living and the, as yet, unborn, but the most dramatic of these changes were observed in ShortSnout. His already superior brain grew, in both physical size and intelligence, and soon, groups of Rats were being taught, then they, themselves teaching.
As time passed, more and more Clans down the system heard tales of this advanced and intelligent Colony, and flocked down the tubes to listen and learn. And they did. They listened longer than Mankind would have been willing to listen, and they learned more than humanity would ever know. And as they learned, they grew - mentally and physically. For a species with a normal average length of 18 inches, there was an alarming percentage of the population hitting the 5 foot mark. That was standing erect, of course, and not including the tail.
The largest by far, however, was ShortSnout - in only 10 years, he had grown from a tiny, helpless fetus into a towering 7 foot intellectual giant. His body was strong and tough, the product of a lifetime of swimming, foraging, and fighting, but the most noticeable change was in his upper cranium (his skull and brain now fully twice the size of the average humans) with an I.Q. that made Einstein look like a brain-damaged preschooler high on glue.
Meanwhile, on the surface, the humans were also busy, doing what humans have always done best. Fighting. Fighting each other, fighting amongst themselves, breaking into small factions or single clan units. Class against class, color against color, style against style, and religion against everyone. In other words, carrying on much like we are presently carrying on.
The Rats, with their nuclear accelerated intelligence, huddled at the manholes, storm drains and gutter grates and listened. And learned. And waited, displaying a patience never evident in those whom they watched. When the moment was right, when all humanity's attention was directed at, as usual, itself, the Rats struck. A long and bloody battle ensued, as what was left of humanity managed to back-burner their differences and regroup somewhat, fighting valiantly for their world. In the end, the human race fell, no match for the multi-billion fold Rat hoard. The scene played out in every major city on Earth - city's shattered, Man's stranglehold on the planet dissolved. As human civilization lay smoking and spent, the original Rat Colony marched on Washington. The American President, and most of the remaining World leaders, were waiting there to greet ShortSnout and his Officers, to hand over the reins of power, along with the keys to someone's private jet.
The shattered remains of humanity found it difficult to accept, yet there it was: the new world Ruler, the new Steward of the Earth, was a 20 year old intellectual giant who was RAISED BY RATS!
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