Some Tips On Cooking For Others.

There are definitely 2 completely different sets of rules when it comes down to cooking dinner for others. First, and most important, is deciding whether you want this to be an ongoing thing, or just a one-shot gastronomic nightmare, never to be requested or suggested again.
I will address the second option first, as I believe it to be the more popular, more frequently used of the two. We begin with the basic framework of:
TIMING - INGREDIENTS - SPICING - PRESENTATION

1) TIMING: Try to ensure that no 2 menu items are ready at the same time. Mind-numbingly long waiting periods should accompany each dish or course. These periods can be made to seem even longer by filling each interval with either uncomfortable silence, awkward small-talk, or in-depth discourse on the hideous ailments of relatives, (try to pick one that features some type of discharge - Spontaneous Anal Seepage for instance, is always a real crowd pleaser). Also, remember that timing refers not only to food prep, but also to the arrival time of your guest. If your guest is to arrive at 7:00p.m., start most menu items around 6:30-ish, with the exception of easily burned or rubberized by excessive cooking foods, which should be going strong by 2:00 at the latest.

 
2) INGREDIENTS: The expert Chef knows his audience, and the aspiring crappy one should do no less. It is sometimes possible to derail the entire project by simply memorizing the following, to be spoken within minutes of your guests arrival : “Oh. You’re allergic to ______ ? Well, that’s certainly going to fuck things up more than just a little.”

 
3) SPICES: I like the simple substitution method of spicing, as it makes for easily believable excuses if caught. Just remember - any spice can be substituted for any other spice with the same color or consistency. Example: sugar for salt, garlic oil for honey, Sunlight Dish Soap for lemon juice - you get the idea, Yeah? For those budding Escoffier’s not yet comfortable with this level of epicurean subterfuge, there is always the alternative method of using the correct spices, but seriously over-amping the amounts. It is truly astounding what a quarter cup of salt can do to an otherwise tasty and inoffensive soup, and enough oregano (with some Sambal or Tabasco for good measure) can turn even the mildest salad dressing into a Hell-spawned nightmare that would have Satan himself hauling ass for the ice-water (which, if you’ve been paying attention at all, should also be heavily salted and room temperature). Go nuts, be creative in spicing, and have fun.

 
4) PRESENTATION: If, indeed, as the old adage goes, “The first bite is taken with the eye,” then this must also be true of “the first dry-heave”, and “the first diarrhea cramp”. If they’ve stuck it out long enough to actually see any of your culinary creations, ensure that the sight gives them recurring nightmares and years of expensive therapy. Cat and Dog hairs, human hair (if presented in large clumps), bug parts, unidentifiable greenery (the type found in ditches or old abandoned fish ponds), any rodent or reptile (whole or in pieces) all make excellent garnishes, and, with a little imagination (plus access to a mortuary or medical waste dump) will guarantee that the first bite will more likely be taken in the Emergency Ward. The end result, of course, is that you will never be asked to host any event that involves your presence in the kitchen! 

Happy dining, and as always, be safe!
TRS