Yet another blast from that past thing...

Great venue, great bands, great weekend.

The RobScenity's Favorite Conspiracy Theories

1: Bio-weapons & WGFM.  

    We, the human race, have been the testing grounds for one of the most energetic longitudinal studies in the field of biological weaponry in all of history. The test subjects hail from all walks of life and from every corner of the globe (swell oxymoron there, huh?). Not only have we been used as test subjects for the actual weapons themselves, but also in feasibility studies regarding the large-scale construction and placement of munitions factories which are all but invisible to the general population. One of the main problems facing the military has always been the availability of materials to be used against the enemy without too drastically depleting one's own resources. In the 1940's, one of the geniuses employed by the American military machine (Biological Warfare Section) came up with a brilliant concept – addressing the top brass, he asked,  

“What, gentlemen, do we have in this very country that is completely useless to us and yet so infinitely sustainable that we have entire sections of the work force employed in ridding us of this item?”

     Rather than subject you to the long, dull and totally fictional conversation that followed, I will just leap in and tell you. The brain-box was referring to W.G.F.M., which even the dimmest schoolboy knows stands for Weapons Grade Fecal Matter, or, as we know it: shit. He envisioned production of weapons grade fecal matter on a massive scale, but there were some gaps in the theory. The availability of raw material was no problem – America was the largest producer of shit in the free world, but simply launching huge volumes of normal human waste at an enemy would do little, other than piss them off. No, they must devise a way to create shit that was well and truly toxic, that would stop an enemy dead in his tracks and keep him there. Then they needed a way to produce large and consistent supplies while keeping the civilian population in the dark, as it was they who were to provide the raw materials, and if they learned of their participation and importance to success, they would, being patriotic Americans, expect to be paid.

    In the late 40's, the military think-tank came up with a plan that was nothing short of brilliant – they would develop a type of food that was completely addictive, introduce it to the civilian population, and control where the food was available. They would open a chain of restaurants that sold this food exclusively, ensuring that only they had access to the end result.  

    And so McDonald’s was born. During the decades that followed, the output was closely studied, tested and perfected. Items that failed to bring up toxicity levels were taken off the menu, reworked in secret government labs and then reinstated. The McRib Sandwich is a perfect example. So now, after years of research, experimentation, testing and re-testing, the American military now has in its possession the most effective and horrifying biological weapon ever created. Lets just hope they never have to use it.

Next time – the only reason pennies are kept in circulation.

Until then, as always, be safe.

TRS

Excerpt from 'The End Of Days – The Complete Annihilation Of Humanity, Or Just A Beautiful Dream?'

Memories Of The Before Times

A Chronicle Of Life In The Post-Maya Apocalypse 

All Rights Reserved, The RobScenity 2014

Part One – A Rude Awakening

    I hardly know where to begin. It's 2014, a full two years since that terrible year 2012, the year in which the famous calendar of the Maya simply stopped. There had been many theories regarding the reason for this mysterious cessation, but none were as chilling as the actual facts. Most of these theories were centered around the 'End of the World' theme, although each theory hypothesized a different manner in which the 'end' would manifest itself – environmental cataclysms, alien invasion leading to a struggle resulting in the complete annihilation of the planet, the sun going super-nova – usual end of the world conceptions. But one common thread was woven throughout all the varied notions: it was a great fucking excuse. It neatly absolved humanity of any blame. The catastrophic destruction of our home world was not our doing, someone or something other than mankind was responsible (for once). The actual truth of the matter was far more horrifying, more damning, than anything the Great Thinkers of our time could ever conceive. For, you see, the Maya had not correctly predicted the end of the world, the destruction of all we know and hold dear. No, they had simply become bored with the whole calendar making gig. At one of the Calendar Planning Committee's monthly logistics and pancake breakfast meetings, the Chairman of the C.P.C. rose from his short-stack with a side of sausage and called for the attention of all present.

    “Right. Here's the deal. We've been making these fucking things for, what? A couple thousand years now? And are any of them really that much different than the others? I would think that after a few millennium, people would probably have the basic formula memorized, no? So rather than sweat it out over the creation of yet another tribute to the grand notion of 'same old same old', why don't we just say piss on it and grab ourselves a different and more satisfying hobby. Waddaya say?”  

    All this was, of course, spoken in the ancient tongue of the Maya, (which I neither speak nor write, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume you don't either), so for ease of understanding and a far less confusing read, I have chosen to relay the tale in what was once known as 'English'. However, regardless of the language, the underlying sentiment remains: after several thousand years of doing the same thing over and over, the Maya were just tired of the project, and decided to nix the whole thing. They threw over the safe, predictable pastime of drafting identical groupings of days, weeks, months and years for something more instantly gratifying. What that was, no-one knows, making it a greater mystery than the abrupt end of the thing that has kept firemen and adorable kittens in the public eye for eons.      The practical upshot of the entire event is this: humanity could no longer blame all their bullshit on some nameless, faceless scapegoat. See, it was just easier to think, “Hey! We're all going to die in some hideous, unknown way, but at least it's not our fault!”, than to think, “Oh, shit. 2012 came and went and nothing happened. We're stuck living with all the crappy stuff we've done to the planet and to each other, with no one to point our judgmental, self-righteous fingers at or put the blame on!” Creepy, huh? For most of our species, it would be far more desirable to face complete and total extermination than to take responsibility for our own actions.      And so, here we sit. After years of preparation, decades of planning, endless hours of pondering the end of existence as we know it and to whom we should attach the blame for the aforementioned, we are left with the far more frightening reality that nothing has changed and that we, ourselves, may in some minuscule way be partially responsible for our shitty situation.

    As I said, nothing has really changed that much. Well, maybe a few things came out the back end of the Post Maya Apocalypse slightly altered. Take the Jehovah's Witnesses, for instance: they still come knocking at our doors as they have always done, but now they don't say anything – they just stand there on the porch and smirk.   

Part 2 coming soon.

As always, be safe.

TRS