Part One:
The
Idiot Apocalypse
(Found
in a time-capsule from the future that some idiot had buried
backwards)
And
there came a day in Earth's history when the unimaginable, the
unthinkable, the inconceivable, occurred. The last idiot known to
man (his name is not important yet), died in, as you can probably
guess, an outlandishly stupid manner. He was checking on the
readiness of his lunch, and had just opened the oven door, when the
majority of his head was blown across most of the kitchen, not so
neatly shredded off right around the lower mandible. Things might
have turned out differently for the entire human species had he not,
at the last minute, wondered if perhaps his can of baked beans could
do with just a little more baking. Hell, he could even have baked
them without incident if he'd only thought to open the can first, or
at least poke a hole or two in the lid. Nope, straight into the oven
and let's just crank 'er up to around 475. Opening the oven door
allowed a rush of much cooler air to hit the already stressed to
maximum can, giving it that one, last push over the top, and it blew
up faster than an inflatable doll in a monastery. The last thing he
saw caused the last conscious thought he would ever have, which was,
“Shit.
Thought I'd bought the one without the gooey piece of pork fat.”.
Alright.
In reality, there is no way that could have happened. I took a
little license there with the pork fat. His actual last thought was,
simply, “Shit.”.
Now,
you would think that the practical upshot of this event, the loss of
mankind's last surviving idiot, would be something of a bonus to the
rest of the species, but you would be wrong. Within hours of his
death, the final few decent ratings enjoyed by reality TV shows and
sitcoms about mixed families raised by single gay fathers took a
nose-dive. The entire entertainment industry flew into mass panic;
no one had ever imagined that idiots would someday be in short
supply, hence, no one had ever come up with a contingency plan.
Writers hadn't thought of writing anything that did not target the
lowest common denominator, Studios hadn't requested anything above
that same level, and Producers were still ecstatic over the fact
that anything that aired under the catch-all definition of
'Reality TV' was an instant hit. Not only that, but these programs
cost virtually nothing to produce – no major stars, no writers, no
vast, expensive sets, no distant locations, nada!
The industry's
panic quickly carried over to the Sponsors, who immediately withdrew
their sponsorship, and the result was the total collapse of every
single television network on the planet except for PBS. Apparently,
they had seen this coming since the 1970's, but no one took them
seriously, thinking it to be part of some pledge drive or other.
The
collapse of all the networks got people to thinking, hey! What if the
same thing happens to important institutions that actually matter?
That could turn out to be a negative thing! And so the search was
begun for more idiots to enjoy the programs and buy the products they
were told they needed during each commercial break. The United
Nations voted, and the hunt started, logically, in the birthplace of
idiocy itself. Teams were sent out all over North America,
desperately seeking some lost, unknown pocket of secret, hidden
idiots.
Days
passed fruitlessly, stretching into weeks. Was it possible that any
remaining idiots were smart enough to successfully evade the search
teams? Well, no, as one PBS executive pointed out. If that were the
case, then they would have evolved and would no longer be idiots, now
would they? Again, panic gripped the world. No idiots left? None?
What the hell are we going to do? We've already seen the downfall of
the entire entertainment industry, (Not, you, PBS), the Retail
industry reports that 80% of the products offered for purchase are
just sitting in warehouses, collecting dust, and McDonald's has
completely disappeared off the face of the earth.
An emergency
meeting of the United Nations was called and every single country on
the planet was represented, for the first time in history. The
result of this meeting was a plan so outrageous, so undreamed of,
that most people had difficulty even believing it at all. Mankind
would, for the first time ever, attempt to intentionally breed
idiots...
To be continued...
Until next time, as always, be safe!
TRS
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